Sometimes I wonder …

wonderSometimes I wonder if it is worth it. The tearful goodbyes at preschool drop-off. The “mommy I want to stay home with you” pleadings. The mornings when I constantly say, “hurry up, let’s go, we’re going to be late.”

Sometimes I wonder if I’m missing out. I long to pick the kids up from school in the afternoons. I dream about making appearances in their classrooms. I wish I could see their world just a little more by volunteering at school or coaching their teams.

Sometimes I wonder if I’m investing my time in the right ways. As a family, do we have one too many activities? Should I place a personal hobby or passion on hold while my kids are young? Are my husband and I doing enough when it comes to shaping our kids’ morals and values?

Sometimes I wonder if I can sustain this pace of life. The calendar is so full. The emails never cease. The commute is without a doubt draining.

Sometimes I wonder if we are living in the right place. California is expensive. The freeways are painful. The “go-go” lifestyle exhausting.

Sometimes I wonder if I should take more risks. I am striving to provide for my family in the best way possible, but is there a better way? Do we cut back on saving? Assume everything will be OK when it comes to our future retirement expenses, college savings and mortgage payments?

Sometimes I wonder if the “grass is greener on the other side.” What if I stayed home with the kids? What if I worked part-time? What if I worked for a different company?

Sometimes I wonder how that other family is doing it. How do they get by on one income? Are they happy? Do they feel secure?

Sometimes I wonder if I chose the right career, the right industry, the right position. What will my career look like in five, 10, 15 years?

Sometimes I wonder if my kids will look back on their childhoods and remember me fondly. Will my worries be unfounded? Will they realize every choice I made was really with their best interest at heart? Will they know I loved them more than words, that I count them as my greatest blessings, that their lives enrich my own every single day?

Sometimes, I wonder …

Comments

  1. says

    Sometimes I wonder these things too…but then the next day I wonder if I would truly be happy if I dropped my work and my hobbies, if I’d struggle because although I’d have more time, I’d have less passion to share. I wonder how my son’s view of women would change if he didn’t see his mama in a working role. I wonder about ways to simplify my calendar and my life while still holding onto those things I hold most dear.

    And I remind myself that there is no single right way to balance it all. What works for us will be different than that family across the street, which will be different than that family at school. We all have to make choices, and we may never know if we truly made the right ones. The best we can do is love our kids and always put their best interests first, however that might look for us.

  2. says

    I think many working mom’s feel the exact same way. I felt this more when I was a single mom then I do now with my blended family. Only you can decide what is the “right” thing and what lifestyle will be “better”. I don’t have a financial choice to work or should I say bring income to the household, for now. The fact is our current expenses are larger than my partners income. I truly believe ALL things are possible if you put your mind to it. For every wonder that you stated I’ve wondered the same thing. But I’ve learned (and try to practice now) that for everything that you can not change to think of how you can change your perspective. Your a writer, you know that a good persuasive writer can show the other side of any argument even if they don’t agree with it. So for every wonder if it’s worth it I can now give a counter thought about how being a working mom is worth it.

    Monica =)

  3. says

    Sometimes I wonder the exact same things. I wonder if my kids will think of the days when I had them in daycare and would race in there (the last mom) to pick them up and dash back out for that long ride home to slap dinner haphazardly on the table to the baths and then into bed and then up to do it all over again. I quit corporate America about 7 years ago to do consulting from home so I’d have more time with them and it’s been a lot better, but I still wonder if I’ve scarred my kids forever. Keeping my fingers crossed that we’ll all survive unscathed…..

    • says

      Luckily, my husband gets the kids relatively early from daycare, so that eases my mind. Still, I wonder if the chaos is worth it for me. It’s a crazy routine! And I’m keeping my fingers crossed as well. We only have one chance at this parenthood thing, right!?

  4. says

    There are so many possibilities for you! You are wicked smart, beautiful, resourceful and an amazing mom. If fashion was an interest to you, I would talk to you about starting your own at home business. As you know I’ve had great success with it. Just the balance of girl time, great pay, and flexibility has made my experience with it so rewarding. However, I have continued to keep my full time job as well. Partially because I feel it’s a traditional role I need to fill and it feels predictable. Can I walk away from it – sure I can, but I haven’t. I think these choices come in time when they feel right to you. You will know when it’s right. I really admire all you do and I am confident your kids do as well.

  5. says

    That’s me all the way! I wonder about everything too, and I’m not sure I should. There are so many choices to be made that everything becomes a stressful affair. Love this post!

  6. says

    Oh, you are not alone in this! This really resonated with me. I work part-time, and while it could be the best of both worlds, sometimes it feels like the worst, and I wish I could eliminate all the clumsy, messy transitions we experience each day. I often second-guess my choices… thanks for such a beautiful, honest post!

  7. says

    I’m on that other side of the fence, Kerry, and I wonder the same thing. I think the grass is always greener, but only because we think another way has to be easier or better than what we are doing. It’s probably not though – it’s just different.

  8. says

    Oh how I wonder all this.

    And some of it isn’t even in my power to change if I wanted. But I know that much of it is, and that we’re making the best decisions possible, just like my parents did. And that like me, one day my kids will also see that there are no easy answers and hopefully know we did the best we could.

  9. says

    Oh, mama, hugs to you. I worked for years as my firstborn grew up. Left him howling at daycare that he didn’t want me to leave him, and crying halfway to work because my heart was breaking at his cries. Then my second son came along, and eventually he got old enough to tell me that he wished I was at home (my older son never really let go of the idea, either, even though he did stop crying when I dropped him off once he started school). I asked the same questions you ask yourself. Suddenly I found myself without the full-time job I was used to, and I’m now taking the opportunity to try to work from home, to have that longed-for flexibility and time for my family. And I find new questions pop up. What if I can’t make a go of this? Am I wrecking our family’s finances by trying to live out my dream? Am I now using up family time to get work done so I can try to make enough to make ends meet? Would I be better off going back to working full-time outside the home? What if I *have* to do that, will my kids just lose it at the thought of going back to after-school care? There are questions on either side of this equation. All we can do is try to find what works for our family, do our best, let our kids know we love them, and carry on. There are pros and cons either way. There is no easy, and there is no right.

    • says

      Thanks so much for the virtual hugs. It really is hard on either side of the fence, and I know as mothers we are all trying to do the best we can. I tell my kids all of the time how much I love them – and cherish the moments I have with them. I hope the work-from-home gig works out – that could likely be the best of both worlds, right!

  10. says

    I found your site through a SITS link up, and I read this post and my first thought was I’m so glad I don’t have to wonder these things. I know I was blessed to be able to leave the rat race/corporate world 10 years ago and begin working from home. Every day I am so thankful that I can work with my kids in the next room.
    However, I do often wonder if our way of life would be different if I didn’t leave that jet setting corporate job or even if I returned to it, but I push it off and think that I’ll have time.
    Then I read your About page and I found a truly kindred spirit…Coke instead of Coffee, well, that one got me for sure. I can’t wait to read more!

    • says

      Thanks for stopping by. I definitely think there are seasons of life and motherhood – at least that is what I’m trying to tell myself – so if I pull back from work and travel now to be there for the kids, I can dial things back up when they are older. Given our family circumstances, I can’t leave the “race” altogether, but I can do the best I can to carve out some flexibility and make the kids a priority.

  11. says

    I just assume my children are going to think I’m a selfish butthead.

    Until they’re at least thirty they won’t get it. Just like I didn’t get it. Just like their kids won’t get it.

    In the meantime there is wine and loads of hugs, which I’m pretty sure will be the epitaph on my headstone. “Loved us and wine and hugs.”

    • says

      Yes, wine and hugs! And chocolate! You’re so right though – I can only now start to give my own parents the credit they deserved surrounding the sacrifices they made for me and my siblings. It’s the circle of life, I suppose.

    • says

      I generally know I am doing all the right things, but every once in a while I’ll have a particularly challenging day that leaves me questioning everything! Such is life, right?

  12. says

    Oh this resonates with so many woman! I think this is something we all wonder. I gave up a 10 year career to stay home with my daughter who has a learning disability. I still wonder all the time if it was the right choice, best choice. I guess we just do the best, be the best, and teach them how to be happy in allowing them to see us happy.

    I am stopping by from the SITS Facebook link.

    • says

      Thanks for stopping by. I guess we need to listen to our gut, and of course evaluate all of those factors that need considering. Such tough choices!

  13. says

    Children know when they are truly loved, so if you love them, they’ll know. They are very adaptable and just need to know you will be there when they need you the most and always will. If you make your choices out of love for them, how could they possibly be wrong? Trust your instincts!

  14. says

    I think, as moms, we ALL do this. No matter what our situation is. We made the choice to go down to one income (I might a bit of side income, but most of it goes to pay for a house we own that we can’t sell) so I could stay home when our son was born. I wonder about that choice a lot. Not that I don’t like being a SAHM, but sometimes I just…wonder. I don’t know why the choices we don’t make plague us so much sometimes.

    • says

      Yes, that second-guessing and questioning kills me. I guess it just means we care so much – and that is a good thing.

  15. says

    I wonder so many of things almost every day. I’m generally happy to be a working mom – and wouldn’t want to stay home really, but I still always wonder. It’s easier with the older kids – except having to explain that sometimes it’s hard to handle after school activities, or that it’s not easy for me to come to lunch every week like it is for some moms.

  16. says

    This is a beautiful post. I’m sure that it wasn’t easy to write. You ask some really great questions. When I find myself asking the questions that plague my heart, I look for a way to find a solution so that my heart can be at ease. I pray that you will find the answers to your questions so that your mind and heart will be at ease and find some peace.

    I wish you the best…thanks for sharing.

  17. says

    Sometimes I wonder all these things, but in reverse. I left an extraordinary career to be a SAHM, and some days I wonder if I did the right thing, if I’m teaching my son the right values. Thank you for sharing this beautiful piece of honesty.

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